News Roundup: This Week In People Being Complete Jerks


It’s been a big week for jerk-face behavior in Australia. Douchery is just so on-trend this Winter! Here’s a quick roundup of the week’s highlights of people being awful.

We had a really meaningful national discussion about marriage equality…

…thanks to this couple:

…oh, no, sorry. That’s not them. That’s an adorable sock monkey couple getting married.
I meant these two charmers…


This couple told a local Canberra paper that if gay marriage is passed into law, then they’re getting divorced because … I don’t know…  reasons that are totally logical and not at all homophobic or insane. They clearly hit during a slow news cycle because they’ve managed to make it into the national and international news for, like, 4 days now, which I think we can all agree is exactly 3 days, 23 hours, and 45 minutes longer than they ought to be entitled to. 

There are a lot of people out there with nutty ideas. Like, Uncle Herb who has a pigeon farm in his backyard to “keep the Russian spies in Idaho.” But, nobody is putting him on the front of the newspaper or hitting “share” on that story thousands and thousands of times.

So, to Mr. and Mrs. Sock Monkey Jensen, I hope you’ve enjoyed sharing your jerky, archaic views with the world, and good luck with your divorce, which will never actually happen because they take that stuff seriously here. I think we can all agree that the real winner of this story is the Canberra City News, who no one had ever heard of before this week, but has suddenly had their click rate increased approximately 20,000 times. Cha-ching!

The rich Treasurer gave us an educational what-for about how easy it is to get into the housing market.

The housing prices across Australia, and particularly in Sydney, continue to climb to baffling levels, to the point that some have begun to call it a crisis. The Sydney Morning Herald this week ran a piece showing that there are only 5 suburbs in Sydney (out of more than 600) where a minimum wage worker can afford to rent a 1-bedroom apartment. And, to buy a house, is no longer a reality for many, with the median house price in Sydney closing in on $1 million.

Showing that he’s quite concerned about and in touch with the problem, this week Treasurer (and my esteemed MP) Joe Hockey  reassured us that,

People took that pretty well. You know, people like teachers and nurses, who can finally get onto that Australian Dream business if they’d just get themselves one of those good jobs.

Meanwhile, ol’ Have a Go Joe is selling his farm in Queensland for $1.5 million (a proposed profit of almost $900,000 from when he bought it 12 years ago). This is because being Treasurer is a “good” job.

We decided not to ugly up Australia

wind farm

Get thee from my sight!

Not to be outdone by his Treasurer on the Jerk Move front, our Prime Minister Tony Abbott expressed, in no uncertain terms, his desire to reduce (and I literally quote the PM here –  “R-E-D-U-C-E. Reduce.”) the number of wind farms in Australia.  Never mind that they create safe, clean, inexpensive, renewable energy, Tony thinks that they are “visually awful” and “they make a lot of noise.”

Unlike his beloved coal mines, which are gorgeous. G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S.

And, in local news:

My two year old discovered a new phrase this week – “MY TURN!”

photo (44)Our clever opportunist has taken the phrase she hears often at the park and playgroup, “wait your turn,” and appropriated it for her own nefarious means like trying to get ahold of my iphone or using kitchen shears. She has what you might call the Fox News delivery of this phrase down – a perfect balance of self-assured conviction and volume.

This is, reportedly, just a phase of toddlerhood. However, given the news of this week, I think we’re going to make it a priority to work hard on lessons of inclusiveness, generosity, and kindness of spirit, lest she end up a shameless polluter, belittling hard working people’s dreams, or shilling offensive click-bait on the front of the city paper.


14 thoughts on “News Roundup: This Week In People Being Complete Jerks

  1. Cosette

    Um, yeah, ditto. And although it didn’t happen during the same week (I don’t think), the response to Adam Goodes’ dance was pretty awful too.

    1. Cristin Post author

      I didn’t even know about that one (shows you how much I follow sports … uh, not at all). Just fell down a rabbit hole of reading about it. Wow.

  2. Mumma McD

    Great round up of the overall douchery occurring in Australia ATM.

    Oh, and my almost 2 yr old has also discovered MY TURN, which he rotates with MINE, DONT LIKE IT, and GO AWAY. Such a gorgeous age 😉

    1. Cristin Post author

      Ha, yes “Don’t!” is another big favorite here. I started turning “mine” and “my turn” around on her, so when she tells me “mine,” I’ll say it back with equal force. She knows I’m teasing her and actually finds it hilarious (so far).

    1. Cristin Post author

      Thanks so much! Too much douchery going around lately. Could make this a regular series!

  3. Maria Hebbel

    I’m not always happy with U.S. Supreme Court rulings. But this ruling was right on. Makes me proud to be from Massachusetts, the first state to recognize gay marriage.
    The monkey couple needs to live and let live, be happy with their life, be kind and allow others to be happy as well.

    1. Cristin Post author

      Well said. It’s hard to see how other people’s happiness would encroach on theirs.

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