Mom in a Mum’s World: How to Ruin Your Child’s Life In Under Two Years

Little Aussie 4 Replies

There’s a lot of information out there about how to raise a child. Thankfully, it’s all super helpful, consistent and not at all judgmental. Before Hushpuppy was even born, I’d read all your Drs Sears and knew exactly how to raise a child with no issues related to health, development, and just generally being The Most Lovely and Wonderful Person.

But, then she was born, and we decided that there was no fun in raising a well-adjusted child. My daughter isn’t yet two, but we’ve already ruined her life in so many noteworthy ways. I actually don’t even know why she bothers getting out of bed in the morning. My degradation of her life has been systematic and multi-level. I’d like to outline some of the ways in which I’ve ensured that she’ll never thrive in childhood or grow to be a functioning adult.

1. I sleep trained her using controlled crying: After more than a year in which she woke multiple times per night, could only go to sleep in my arms after a bottle, and would only nap in my lap while I watched documentaries on Netflix, her father and I decided that we would ruin her life by using a method of teaching her to sleep called Controlled Crying or the super horrible-sounding “Cry it Out,” by which, over several nights, we left her for set intervals to cry until she put herself to sleep. Now, it’s true that the process only lasted a few days, and she can now put herself to sleep with no tears, wakes only once during the night, and naps in her crib, but unfortunately, she will now be incapable of ever forming meaningful attachments and lives her life with a heightened level of stress. She’s destined to fare about as well as she would if she’d been raised in a Romanian orphanage. But, that’s cool, because her dad and I have a lot of Facebook to catch up on at night.

2. I mix fed her formula: Any lactation consultant or completely unqualified breastfeeding enthusiast will tell you that almost all women can breastfeed (believe me, they’ll tell you!), but unfortunately for Hushpuppy, she was unlucky enough to be born to one of those lazy mothers who spent six weeks just not trying hard enough. Once that first drop of formula passed her lips, her chances of attending Harvard immediately closed. And now that she’s had formula for almost two years, we realize that it’s unlikely that she’ll even make it to high school.

3. Oh yeah, that’s right, she’s almost two and she still gets a bottle!: She finds her pre-nap bottle comforting, but in the long run it’s really little comfort at all, considering the lifetime of dental work she’s staring down.

Age progression image of Hushpuppy

Age progression image of Hushpuppy

4. We also gave her a pacifier: But, she dodged a bullet there because she didn’t really like it and gave it up after a couple of weeks. As you can tell, we’ve been trying to destroy her teeth for a long time, even before she had any. It can take a lot of persistence to ruin your child’s life.

5. We taught her to eat solids using baby-led weaning: It’s actually been certified a miracle that she didn’t choke to death.

6. She sometimes eats food with sugar…: You know, just to make sure with the whole teeth rotting thing.

7. …and preservatives: There’s an epidemic of childhood obesity, and we don’t want her to be left out.

8. I let her watch TV: And plenty of it. Sometimes three episodes of Play School in one 24 hour period. Oh yeah, she’s going to have the attention span of a flea!

9. We let her play on the tablet: Her synapses are shot. Done deal.

10. We vaccinated her according to schedule: We knew we wanted her exposed to some risky behavior early on, and it was between that and infant sky diving lessons.

11. I raise her as a stay at home mother: It really is a shame that she’ll never learn to socialize. And, frankly, she has no chance of ever seeing women as fully functional individuals who can make a multitude of educational and career decisions. But, you know what, those soap operas aren’t going to watch themselves!

I have to tell you, it’s the strangest thing. Despite all these sure-fire methods I’ve been using to ruin her life, Hushpuppy still seems happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. I think it’s a testament to the human spirit that she still goes on, despite the adversity she’s faced. What a kid. She might just make it, after all.

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And, if you’re a mother reading this, and have also been doing your best to kill all of your children’s hopes and dreams for a normal, thriving future using your own individual but surely harmful choices on these and other issues, I just want you to know that I support you. Let me know if you need our accountant’s name. He’ll set you up with a great account where you can start saving for all of your children’s future therapy bills.

4 thoughts on “Mom in a Mum’s World: How to Ruin Your Child’s Life In Under Two Years

  1. Christie Wilkin

    Congratulations! I have done all of those with all of our kids, which must mean there are four ruined kids in this household—never mind university tuition, we need to worry about the big therapy bills ahead of us.

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